Everytime I think about writing you I send a message to a chat with myself, it’s my way to put my words out without involving you. I don’t want this to be an annoying constant reminder of my feelings for you. I thought about telling you more about this but you don’t you wanna know about it, I am the one that wants to tell you, I am the one that wants to spread his wings and just let it go free, to feel this to the fullest. It would be terrible egoistic of me to do that. Because I love you as a friend I cannot do that to you, but being in love with you makes me sick this way. I try to stay away, to grow a bit apart and it hurts, you said you hurt too. But I knew, that was my true reason for being sad, that I knew that I needed to be away, to break ties, to not be around you because I always wanted more, I always want more, more of your smile, of your smell…damn I miss it so fucking much. You would probably say it’s just a smell, just a perfume, just like when I said you make faces and you said

Everyone makes faces

And I was thinking of you, your faces. Because I like them, because I like your eyes and the way you look away when you wanna pretend you are embarrassed but you really aren’t.

et was absolutely beautiful that you tried to let me down gently, telling me that even though you never felt anything for me you would go out with me under different circumstances. I was never after that. You said it wouldn’t last, you said you are really a monogamist and really needy. Haha. Like any of it matters, like any of it would be a good excuse for me to stop feeling…none of it is, Morena. None of it ever will be. I will feel my feelings for the life of me until my last damned day on this god forsaken Earth. I don’t wanna run away, avoid or escape my feelings.

Do not get me wrong, I regret, I regret ever being slightly attracted to you because I lost you as a friend and it hurts because you are someone that I look for, for years. People like you don’t come for free, they are not easy or are being born everyday, they are once in a lifetime…a bit more but way less than I what wished for. I am glad I found you, I got to spend a good chunk of time with you, I wish it was more but it isn’t. And so it is.

I feel like you are going to grow stronger than me, I will be weak, I will try to get closer again. You will tell me that we shouldn’t, that because of my feelings we should be a bit apart, we shouldn’t spend the night together or share a meal by ourselves. I am gonna agree, I am gonna go home, crying, knowing that is true, that you are right. And it hurts. You will probably feel something but I will tell myself

She’s strong for the both of us

I think you might remember me for awhile but soon your new life will start, you will start sharing a bed, a kitchen, bills, decisions on what to buy for the living room, maybe plans for Deniz. That’s when you’re gonna start forgetting about me, that’s when it’s gonna hurt the most for me. I won’t know for sure but I will feel it, losing hope, friends, unrequited loves is a long tedious process for me. One that I am quite used to at this point, one that makes me depressed anyways. People might mistake it for a lack of motivation or boredom. But it’s not. It’s something else that doesn’t fit here and this is not about that. This is about how much it hurts to have to let you go.

I stopped doing everything, studying German, going after therapy, looking for an apartment. I am in the “nothing fucking matters” stage, so fucking childish and stupid.

I am in love with you, Morena, for now.