I don’t know if it’s a warm morning, I just know that I see her and the sun comes in on her body. It has been far too many nights, she will be a little annoyed that I’m watching her sleep but I am too afraid to wake her up. I actually don’t know for how long this memory will hold, but I will try my best to keep it. Just like the memory of me walking with my fingers on her back before she went to sleep or like when she smiled right before we kissed, or even how she smelled after getting up in the morning. All memories that I will cherish, that I will try to hold on to, I collect them for I don’t know in the end for how long I will have opportunity to make those. When will be the last in which she shuts the door before I go? When will be the last time in which I feel her lips on mine? When I get to be in doubt and I try everything to make her notice me just so that I am part of her day?

Can I definitely remember her smile on that Sunday morning as she woke up and made all sorts of funny faces? Can she remember me? I’d always notice her walking in her own being, she probably never though of it so much but I always got distracted by her presence, if she would take little notice she would’ve…or maybe not. Maybe everything is in my head. Maybe that’s where I need it to be, so that I don’t make other people uncomfortable, that would make me feel terrible.

The only actual bad part is that…it’s all a dream, none of these memories are real or exist for she’s impossible. She is my impossible girl. Only there, in a different time, one in which I might not be available, whatever that might mean, well, so maybe not even in a different time. And while some people don’t understand why or how I can think such thoughts, one friend remained strong and told me

I cannot say much about it because I can also find myself in your shoes.

She also said

Well, it’s a lot of time, a lot can happen in that time

She’s the confident in which I trust with all corners of my life, she is the one that knows truly all. Losing her friendship in a more deep sense was one of the most tragic events in my life, I never quite got back from it, I try to replace it with all sorts of different things like philosophy or tv shows and books and friends and drinking. The truth is that I want to have what I had and I don’t think I can really stop looking for it and…my impossible girl brings that out of me. She makes dreaming about it possible again.

So I will wish…for the remaining of the possible days that the impossible happens…that I can wake up one day next to her, looking in her eyes, saying nothing. Just smelling her, waiting for her lips to touch mine, to feel her warm breath on me, to kiss her neck, moving down her shoulder and maybe hear her laughing a bit before she sends me home.

I will love her even if loving her is still impossible.