I haven’t moved her chair yet, it’s only a chair inside my flat. You could say it’s only a chair any fucking way. In my mind, it’s her chair, the chair in which she sat the whole night and I tried to keep my shit together because honestely she was intoxicating, moving around, taking what she wanted, not really caring what I was thinking…probably feeling like she was in safe ground and for that I am glad. I am glad she probably felt safe enough to let her guard down and be a bit vulnarable, more relaxed.

Will she understand that I like the faces that she makes and not faces that random people make? That I was and am impressed by her and not others? Does she allow that? Does she have space inside her self for my admiration?

I don’t wanna move the chair because I wanna protect the memory. I don’t want her gone, I don’t want the possibility of not having her gone, I fucking need her, I fucking want her. I want to touch her and make her smile one time, one more time. Fucking hugs by the end of our encounters are not fucking enough! And enough with the cursing!

What can I make of this? I didn’t want to live my apartment the next day, I wanted to stay inside that night forever, I didn’t move the chair. What the hell am I doing? I couldn’t get out because I felt vulnerable and at breaking point the whole day, I couldn’t hold it in, I cried countless times that day. Because I see that there’s not possibility, that this is an one-way street. However, I cannot contain this inside myself anymore, it is time to let this out in the open. It will hurt, I will endanger our friendship, such a precious jewel for me. I take care of it like it’s life itself, my biggest fear was putting our friendship at stake but I need to because not telling her, is holding it in. And everyday that goes by and I don’t tell her, and I get closer to her, it hurts me inside.

I don’t want to mess her life, I don’t want to get in the way, I don’t want to be reason for or anything like that. I wish I could just be me with her again and not this ever wishing being, wishing for something that I cannot have.

I will need to give her some space, maybe she will need that in a more permanent way, maybe we can be friends and just have a good laugh in a few months. My pessimistic nature doesn’t see this going any other way, I don’t actually need to see this going any way, I just need to do what has to be done, tell her and be done with it. Then, as always, life will follow, it will unfold whatever is next. We, in our way, will live whatever is next.