It’s not the first time I think about this and of course there’s always new and different ways of approaching this question. I’m not gonna pretend I know it all or that I’m some kind of philosopher because I’m not, even though I like to read about them and some parts of their work. But I do become constantly obsessed with some questions from time to time, probably some were already answered beautifully by some religion or some philosopher or some poet or some painter but I remain ignorant to that.

So, two statements led me to reflect on my essence. They might be rather depressive or sad for some people but not for me, we will get there.

The new people in my life are the last new people I will ever have

As I grow older it becomes harder to make friends, to get to know people. Of course, a friend of a friend can introduce me someone new and we talk and go on but then our lives go our separate ways and that’s that. I’ve finished college, school, I don’t speak the language in the country I live in, thus my social circles are limited, hardly I’ll start something new in my life. This is a natural process, most humans go through this, they have cycles, new beginnings, new endings and then at some point they basically work for a long time, establish a family and wait for death to take them. So the friends they made are the friends they will have.

My situation goes like this: I left all my childhood friends for college back in 2008, after college, I left my college friends for work in 2014, then I left all the friends I made in my hometown in 2018 when I came to Germany.

People tell me you can keep in touch via some digital way, in some way that’s true. But if you ever make the experiment of meeting friends that you only had contact through virtual ways after 7 or so years, you will see something different. Nothing replaces the physical interactions, the looks, the touch, the smell of real goddamn people. No matter how much better our virtual reality gets, it will never be real. So, no, there’s no way keeping virtual relationships will give you the same relationship you had with people in your life. And…they will get married, move countries, die or something. Inevitably you will grow apart and that’s ok. So don’t punish yourself, don’t try to hard, be there, ask them from time to time

How is it going?

That’s it. You get to keep some level of relationship, when you go back they might be there for you a bit, that’s good. But they are not with you in your daily life, they don’t know what goes on in your city, in your house and vice-versa.

So yeah, the new people I meet and get in my life are the last new people I will have, they might be temporary or not. But they are definitely the last and for that I cherish their presence. I am grateful for each and every new person that comes into my life and allow me to go into their lives. I will always side with good enough moments over a huge number of moments or instagram pictures.

What if I have already lived the love of my life?

Ok, that’s not a statement, it’s a question. Let’s take some time to talk about the love of my life thing. That’s the idea of the fantasy of the perfection or ideal love. If I have lived it already, is it worth to live new love affairs? is it worth to marry someone?

Difficult to pin point what the love of my life would be but knowing that I have already lived it takes off the pressure of my shoulders because I cannot screw it up, it’s already gone and all that’s left are the relationships to follow. They don’t need to be better to be special, they don’t need to be the best to touch me, to provoke me, to make me fall in love. I fall in love with her intoxicating perfume, with her big eyes, with the thoughts of waking up next to her just that I can see her opening up her eyes and maybe getting mad at me because I was awake the whole time, not the idea that she’s perfect, that she’s some kind of salvation.

For me, love is this experience that entangles part of you with someone else for awhile, it might be minutes, it might be a whole life. You might touch yourselves or it could’ve been only a dissembled look from a distance, you never knew her name, she never knew yours but for a split second both of you were there exchanging something that you couldn’t understand. Love is not jealousy, it’s not marriage, it’s not a perfect picture, it’s not eternal, it’s a small change in a big way.

So, yes, it’s worth living new love affairs, it’s worth marrying someone or divorcing and marrying again or just breaking up and finding someone new. It’s not because you are with the love of your life that you must remain in that place forever, specially if the relationship is over. We should not pursue the ideas and structures imposed by society, we should treat each other with the respect we deserve, give each other room to grow, cherish people we love while we can maintain the course of the relationship but If you have to try too hard to be together, to write, to draw, to cook, to run, to stop smoking…maybe, just maybe that’s not the place you should be in right now, maybe later.

I am not my actions, I am not good or bad, how I handle the consequences of my choices is who I am

I deny and despise everyone that think that one simple action can determine if I am good or bad, I do good or bad things but I am none of those things. I am just the actor. How I handle, how I relate to the feelings of the consequences, that’s me. When I move countries, when I break up, when I take that one more glass of wine, the aftermath, that is me. But that are only consequences to actions that are taken and actions can only be taken if they are possible. Therefore, I exist in the possibility, what is certain is dull and doesn’t require me to exist.