Time only moves forward. And I cannot believe it. I hear a voice, a voice message, telling me they remember me with such great regards and that I should come by for a short visit, between us sits an entire ocean plus a handful of land and people.

But for now I do have my memories of times I spent with them. Seems silly but time doesn’t come back, we might get nostalgic or stuck in the past because of memories. Anyways, I truly recognize those were very good years, may more good years follow suit. Good enough years, I sure need more of those.

Hearing their laughter cleans me up inside. Brings back the question of: have I already…? Have I?

When I was younger, all I ever wanted was to be left alone with a computer, music and enough drinks to drink, not alcoholic drinks. Now I do have that, fully. And I want is companionship, I want a partner in crime to go out, to see the night, to laugh and cry. It doesn’t need to be romantic, romance will come when it’s its time. For now I just really long for some good enough times with good enough people.

I feel like I am getting that but I also feel like it’s limited to their stay around me…things seem more fragile now. Maybe because I feel more fragile now. Today I really had to hold my shit together while I received the voice message, I was transported and I felt so grateful for have lived those years in the presence of those people. I also felt angry along the day, for stuff that is sort of out my control and that pisses me off because it makes other people suffer, I really do not care for myself that much. I feel like I almost don’t exist anymore, after my panic attack things went in a different direction. It felt like a calm alert to my way of living, that I should slow down and take more time to appreciate what’s not here anymore and then appreciate what’s here.

I never understood why someone would do some gesture to make me happy and thus I always break when I try to say “thanks”. I build this image of myself and I distance people from me, so when they are close, when they know they can touch me and offer me something to make me feel special…it’s rare. I get nervous, forget to say “thanks” and get paralyzed. It might even be fun for some people watching. It was and probably still is…hard for me to let people love and care for me. I never felt really deserving of such things but I do like when it happens.